Friday, April 29, 2011

brother is dead. Daddy was really happy today, i could feel it. even though i did not like reachraybrother i am sad that he is gone.

but enough about him, i have something to say.

as it is big brother doesn't like me blogging. i know he doesn't like it because it keeps me sane. i'm so close to losing it and becoming just another family member who can't think for themselves. it's hard keeping myself from speaking gibberish and hunting down runners. lately i have realized what i need to do. see, most people when they become a part of this family have the choice to simply fall or fall and then rebuild themselves. the problem with the rebuilding part is that there's only a small portion of people who have been able to do it, like big brother and zero, and even then there are drawbacks.

but if you don't take the plunge and let yourself go, you go crazy anyway even if it is slower. it seems like a better option to "stay strong" and not "bend under His will", right? keep fighting until the end so you go out in a blaze of glory and everyone remembers you. but you guys don't seem to realize the other option is the only way for those of us in situations like mine.

in other words, i'm going to have to let myself go crazy in order to regain my sanity. hehehe, i don't think i am going to like this but it's the only way. at this rate i'm going to break and big brother will be able to do whatever he wants. so i am telling you all this because you're going to see me lose control and i might never get it back.

i would say wish me luck but it isn't luck i need.

here we go.


  1. You've matured a lot since I last saw you, Little Sister.

    I wish you sense and send you love.

    Tell your brother that we have an issue. Namely, my emotions.

  2. Bend. Don't break.

    When plumbing the depths of insanity, carry a lifeline. Something you can focus on, something that you can remember to pull yourself out of it afterwards. I suggest Mommy. Focus in your mind, and lock deep into your consciousness, "When Mommy comes back, I need to be sane again."

    BREATHE. CLOSE YOUR EYES. Repeat that in your head, over and over again. Lock it down into the very innermost portion of your mind. Nail it in place, forge it like steel, repeat it and imagine it in your mind until it's done. Focus on it, breathe slowly, close your eyes, and keep at it until it's ingrained into your very soul.

    And when the time comes, open your eyes and be yourself again. Until then, hide what you are down where nothing can find it.

    Good luck kid. Nobody should have to do what you're doing right now, but if this is how you need to do it, then DO IT RIGHT. Dive into the depths of madness, and then come back up. NEVER LOSE YOUR LIFE LINE.

  3. I know you didn't ask for it, but good luck anyway.

    Mind your pa.


  4. Hoping to fall hard enough that you bounce back up?

    Godspeed, Cynthy.

  5. Insanity is a good thing Cyn. It'll help you see what normal people can't see.

  6. Cynthia,

    Grape jellybeans.

    I know, I know. Random insane crap from the head loony of vagueness himself. But this time I actually know what I'm doing.

    Actually, artificial grape anything. Kool-aide, lollipops, cough syrup, pixie sticks, whatever. That singular taste is what's important. Get it on your tongue, or remember what it tastes like, and keep that in your mind. Hold onto it, it's not a thing that can be poked at by Him or your Big Brother, and it'll keep you vaguely here.

    Working on the rest. Hold tight.

    - Robert