Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I've been trying really hard to make some friends but so far only Leah will talk to me. But I think the other girls don't want her to because they've been making fun of her hanging with me even though it's usually only for a few minutes. Leah says that it doesn't matter and that she doesn't care what they say, but I hate seeing her get bullied because she's trying to be nice to me. I feel like I'm ruining her life at school.

The girls in my class and some of the older girls too have been calling me a dyke. I don't really know why they are because I looked it up in the dictionary and it said it was a levee or something and even asked Simon but he sort of stammered and said I didn't need to know until I was older. They said I looked like one because of my short hair and baggy clothes, so I'm guessing it's supposed to be bad. Does anyone know what it's supposed to mean?

They've also been making sure I can't sit with them during lunch and if I have to partner up with anyone they usually act like it's the worst thing in the world. It's been hard because it looks like the other kids just don't want me to be there. I think Leah is just nice to me because she feels bad for me. I've been bullied before- back before I met Rachel kids pushed me around because I was really shy and awkward. Now I speak my mind and act a little strange because of everything I went through and this has gotten me bullied even more than when I was quiet. It's weird how it's working out.

Simon still wants me to see a therapist and I still don't want to. He's getting worried because he knows it's been hard for me and he has no idea what to do because he's never had a kid to take care of before. I feel bad for suddenly living with him and making him have to do a lot more work, but I know there's no where else I can go.

I just have been feeling lonely and kind of sad for the past week. I think I'm getting depressed or something but I don't know. I keep having flashes but they aren't as bad as when I first got put into school. I've been going out and hanging around parks and swinging because I finish my homework really fast. I always try looking for him when I'm there or near the woods. I expect to see a tall, faceless man suddenly appear and for the nightmare to start all over again but so far I haven't even felt anything to something being not normal. I guess maybe he really has left me alone.

I just need something to keep me from thinking because then I want to do stupid things that would get me or Simon hurt.


  1. I saw a therapist when I was your age, and for a lot simpler, stupider things than you've been through. Sometimes they actually can help, even if you can't tell yours the whole truth.

  2. Therapy might help a little bit, although I highly doubt they would understand the situation, it may come to be somewhat useful. And as for something to keep you from thinking about things, I used to/still collect random things to distract myself.

    Best of luck, Cynthia. I hope IT really has left you alone for good, and, god forbid, if not, I'm sure plenty of people on here will be there to support you.

  3. Dyke is a insulting word for girls who like girls. I wouldn't find it an insult myself, but then I am one. On the other hand, I'm sorry that they consider girls who look different or act different bad, and I'm sorry they've been bullying you and making you feel like you don't belong. It'll get better.

    And you don't have to see a therapist until you want to.

  4. Ah, the legendary cruelty of children! Casting their stones at all that appears odd. Laughing at you, smothering you with labels, applying ever measure of suffering their small minds can imagine to you. Simply because they think you to be a freak.
    They're right, of course. You are nothing like the ordinary children. It's pointless to even play this game of pretend pretend that you are.

    Yet you persist in trying, and in doing so, drag down those around you. How much happier would Simon and Leah were they not burdened by you? They tell you that they don't mind, but I'm sure you know the falsity of their words. I wonder, in those dark moments when they are alone, how much they must loath you for what you are doing to them. In your selfishness you have turned one into a hopeless caretaker and the other into a social pariah.

    How the monster slayer has fallen. To think that you would be one to sit by so passively and allow yourself to be subjected to this malice. A tragedy indeed.

  5. Whoever is above me, do not pay any attention to him, because he obviously just wants to make you feel bad.

    And don't take anything those girls say to seriously. They probably don't know what dyke means anymore than you did, and are just throwing it around to be mean. A lot of the time kids will say things like that because it makes them feel superior. That's not true of course. If anything you're probably the most incredible little girl I know. You managed to survive something like that? Not just anyone can do that. You're amazing.

    If those girls start getting to you, just imagine your a one of those secret heroes like Batman, (because you are,) and remember how strong you are and how many people love and support you. That's all that really matters.

    Compared to everything else, this should be nothing for you. So don't waste time worrying about it. Just be yourself. :)

  6. Nobody's cruler than kids. Experience has shown me that time and again. It's a position I've been in myself, time and again.

    I'll reiterate my offer of listening if you need to talk. We're all pullin' for you, kiddo.

  7. Oh WeLl. YoU sEeM lIKe YoU aRe HaViNg JuSt a PeAcHeY tImE. fInDiNg FrIeNdS aNd SuCh SeEmS QuItE tOuGh, Oh WeLl I tHiNk ThAt YoU sHoUlD jUsT tAkE iT eAsY fOr NoW.